worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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