I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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