Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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