Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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