sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
