dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
