Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
