My friends, they love my intelligence
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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