I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Found your dick twin last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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