Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
God, I missed his penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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