Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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