you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
