How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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