she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize