So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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