Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm bleeding and have questions
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
