First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
