i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
