do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize