By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
