I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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