I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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