you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
