she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
