My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
