Non-Jews are for practice
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
