Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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