I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
