We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
