I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
