I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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