Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
