I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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