wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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