life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
