So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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