come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
