Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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