WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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