dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
