The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
