if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
