I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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