Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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