The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
