Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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