im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
