i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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