I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
