i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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