It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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