ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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