Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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