I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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