fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
