dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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