I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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