so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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