My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
