Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
