Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
